September 9, 2009

So Many Vampires, So Little Estrogen...

What is with the proliferation of pop culture texts about vampires? Like, for serious? The latest edition to the crew is The Vampire Diaries. It looks like a carbon copy of Twilight, right down to the show's symbol, the red rose (isn't that on the cover of one of the twilight books too?) Anyway, Vampire Diaries appears to be about a girl (who is not a vampire) who has boy vampires fighting over her. What I want to know is, if we're going to have this many FUCKING SHOWS ABOUT VAMPIRES, why can't one of them star a girl vampire who falls for a non-vampire boy, or a non-vampire boy who falls for a girl vampire? Why is our heroine always the damsel in distress who is not a vampire? Why can't the protagonist be a chick who likes to suck blood? At least back in the day Buffy killed vampires!

This nouveau vampire shit really is a metaphor for female chastity. The Dudes in these texts are handsome seducers who want more than anything to suck your blood (even if some of them, like Edward, TRY to control themselves with all their might), but watch out, because if they go too far with the blood sucking (read: sex), you could bleed to death (read: get pregnant or catch an STI). I get it; men are dangerous blood-suckers who have a hard time controlling themselves, so don't let them bite you until you get married. Moral understood. Now why don't we switch it up a bit and make movies, books and tv shows about goblins? I am convinced they are the next frontier in creepy mythical creature sex Gods....

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