April 5, 2009

Mommy

Okay, so, I really want children, but I KNOW they'll hate me. Why? Because I hate my mother. I've thought about this for a good long while. The final straw was that she threw out text books I couldn't fit into my suitcase with me when I went to London but I said I wanted kept safe in my room. Then, without warning me, she decided to renovate said room the week I left for LSE. Fine, whatever. Renovate away! But when you don't give me any advance warning and therefore I cannot be the one to pack up my stuff, then don't bloody well lose my things! Especailly my very important academic things that are my livelihood as I am an academic. When I pointed out that this was not cool because academic books are my professional resources, my mom told me, "Grow up! You're being dramatic. These are not your professional resources." Um, yes they are, I am getting a PhD!

Now, my goal is to be less racist, heterosexist jealous and cruel than my mother. But at the end of the day, I worry I might hate my children like her, and then they'll hate me in turn. I'm sure my mother couldn't have predicted she would resent me and then do spiteful things like throw out books I'd asked her to keep safe as soon as I was across the Atlantic and wasn't looking. No one thinks, I want to have kids so I can torture them, I don't think. So, is child-rearing worth it? Will it make me a monster? Will it make me someone I don't like who is so frustrated and resentful of having sacrificed so much of my time for people I might not otherwise even associate with if they weren't my children that I throw out my child's professional assets?

I hate my mother sometimes. Other times, I empathise. I totally see how she became who she is (well, I dont' see why she is racist or heterosexist). I see that when she quit her job to become a stay and home mom because, for a very complicated reason, my parents' jobs were mutually exclusve, this probably hit her hard. She probably didn't want to lose her professional identity altogether and exchange it for a solely maternal one. No one can predict accurately how they will react to parenting. It is so all-consuming it's anyone's guess whether you will really like it or be good at it. My mother just guessed wrong, and I think she only figured that out once she had three whole kids. Bummer. But still, it's only natural to resent someone who resents you. That, and bitch put all my childhood shit (photographs, secret boxes, presents from friends) in a pile outside in the yard. All I have to say is, my mom is amazing at making a point. hee. You're meant to talk about your mom at therapy. So, at least when I go, I'll be able live up to expectations.

Do you hate your mother? This is anonymous, of course (thank God I write under an alias). Let's vent! Mommy isuees unite the world!

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