I am fucking sick of everyone thinking Hollywood celebrities like Eva Longoria are pregnant every time they gain a bloody pound! Why can't we just assume they've gained weight because they're normal, fluctuating human beings capable of having one too many pieces of cheesecake at dinner like you and me? There are all sorts of possible explanations for gaining a little bit of weight every now and then, and most of them I'll wager don't include being pregnant. Can you imagine if, every time your friend gained five pounds because she was freaked out about exams and eating lots of donuts, you and your other friends scrutinized her facebook photos for evidence of a "baby bump"? No, of course you can't, but we all do that with pictures of Victoria Beckham in US Weekly any time she's had a sandwich.
Maybe celebrities can also get stressed and eat more. Maybe they're busy and can't make it to the gym as much as they normally do, like what happens to me when I go through a period where I have a lot of essays due. Or, who knows, maybe they've just recovered from frickin' anorexia and that's the weight they were always meant to be! Who knows? But why, oh, why, do they have to be pregnant? And why do we care if they are? It's not like we're going to get to cuddle with their babies. It's not like they are our offspring. And, while in the case of celebrity hook-ups, we can fantasize and speculate about their super hot sex lives, if it's not your baby, thinking about changing it's diaper or getting up with it in the middle of the night is anything but a fun time!
Of course Hollywood starlets are anorexic. In our minds as members and monitors of the media, the only good excuse for gaining five pounds seems to be having fruit in your womb. Look at Eva Longoria, who gained weight for her role as Gabby on Desperate Housewives (who is now a mom with two kids and no longer a sexy trophy wife with an exercise addiction). Longoria looks great. She's clearly still only around a size two, even after having gained a little bit of weight. So why does no one believe her that she's not pregnant? Look, maybe she is preggers, but even if she is, I can't discern an actual baby bump yet. Sure, her ass is bigger, but that doesn't make her a mommy. Her weight gain shouldn't have even made our radar, it is so negligible!
The implication of the "bump watch", which obsesses over the most minute bulge, is that any fluctuation in the female body is only acceptable when explained by a baby. So, if Eva doesn't end up being pregnant, what are we supposed to take away from the false bump watch alarms? That this 5'2 size two chick is a fatty? Yeah, that's great for everyone's body image complexes. Excuse me while I go develop an eating disorder...