August 18, 2008

Humour

The Worst Pick-Up Lines EVER Used on Me: A deconstruction.

Pick-up lines are a fascinating part of the courting ritual that is heterosexual dating. I don't know if they're as bad in the queer world, but in the straight world, they are always cringe-inducing and sometimes even vomit-inducing. This has made me wonder, what are men thinking when they use these lines and what do these lines really mean? What's their sub-text? Their social significance? With that in mind, I give you a close-text analysis of some gems I've been fortunate enough to have directed at me.

Line:

Guy from my LSAT prep course wearing a t-shirt with two arrows pointing to his arms that read "Welcome to the Gun Show": Hey there, since it's the last day of class, I thought I'd say, if I ever get a HARD question on the LSAT, I'll think of you...

Sub-text:

WTF? When bored in class you apparently thought about fucking me and so decided to attempt to pick me up with a really crude and not very clever pun? Hah! In your mind, you are totally thinking, the LSAT's are a "hard" test, and when I get aroused, my member is "hard" too. What is this? The Will Ferrell school of picking girls up?

Line:

Guy in elevator at hotel on reading week trip to Boston: Hey, you're cute. Maybe we should have kids.

Sub-text:

You are woman, I am man. In this simple heterosexual equation where I assume you are straight and therefore must be into me knowing nothing about you, we should totally procreate. Because oh yeah, I'm assuming you want kids, too, because, you're a girl! Don't all girls want kids? And of course you want mine! I mean, do you have a say in it? I think I'm great, so you must too!

Line:

Bunch of guys drinking beer on their porch in t-shirts in January while I walk past in a parka: Hey, you're cute! Come on, don't give us that smirk! You know you wanna do us!

Sub-Text: Yo bitch, how dare you not be attracted to us? How dare you not want to get gang-banged? How dare you expect not to get harrassed while walking down the street in your neighbourhood when it's only 8:30 pm? How dare you not want to flirt back? You're a girl, you must be both straight and ready for sex with us! As straight white guys, it is our God-given right to yell at every girl who walks past our house! We don't care about your right to walk to the gym in peace. Our right to holler at you from our porches while wasted trumps that!

Line:

Guy I was talking to at a house party: You're WAAAY hotter than that other girl over there...

Subtext: You must be insecure, because you're a girl, and so I'm going to give you some looks-based, catty validation, hoping it makes you feel pretty and want to sleep with me out of gratitude. Also, am emphasizing that I could have that other girl, but am choosing you over her! You should feel so special! You should feel so lucky that you are that special girl who meets my drunken standards....

Line:

Guy at a house party thrown by a mutual friend: Could you please tell me about the Armenian Genocide? I'd love to learn more about it....

Sub-text: I am totally sensitive! I care about you and where you come from - this is why I am using your historical suffering as an excuse to talk to you, and hopefully get you so emotional you need comforting and then won't notice as I slide closer to you on the couch. Hey, you could get so emotional and vulnerable you might even welcome my arm around you so I can subtly work my way up to groping your breasts. Never mind that you probably aren't in the mood to discuss how two thirds of your ancestors died at a freakin' keg party where it's so lound I can't even really hear anything you might tell me, anyway. You TOTALLY want to go home with Mr. Sensitive, don't you?

Conclusion:

Guys, just don't use pick-up lines! They never work. No single sentence is going to make me want to sleep with you or think you're super suave. Just talk to me and ask me genuine questions you really want to know the answers to. In other words, get to know me! Also, ask me appropriate questions at appropriate times (ie. no questions about rape or genocide when I'm drunk and there are lots of other drunken people around grooving to Rihanna.) Hell, do that for all girls and you'll probably get way more action. I mean, when it comes to turning us on, you don't want to use an opening line so horrendous it bloody well turns us right off...So, don't assume I'm straight, single, dying for sex and impressed with you. Treat me like a human being with a sense of self....I know it's crude, but let's be blunt, I'm not just a pussy in a pair of Lululemon yoga pants....

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